Life, Recently

So... Here I am. In the middle of the night. Thinking about how much I've going through these past months since I haven't write anymore. I can tell you that 2018 was probably the year full of people come and go to my life. I tried to love again, started to open my heart to another person since I keep pushing people away since my last break up in 2015. I've met a really well behaved guy, my mom liked him, but he was full of doubt about everything in life and he can't balance my sense of humor (yeah I know I have a really cheap sense of humor but well I can't stand dating a flat guy and especially, a Cancer, not anymore). I've also met a really nice and funny guy, I thought I've met my soulmate, seriously, he can keep up almost all of my lame jokes, we have common interest in a lot of things, we talked and chated naturally like an old friend. He gave me the most special birthday present I've ever got. We even met in Bandung, when he went there to do his things and I was for holiday at the unplanned same time. But, as time goes by, I felt so comfortable with him like a bestfriend, there were no sparks in our relationship. I kinda scared I would hurt him someday. So, I have to drew a space before it happen.

I feel lonely most of the times. But, why? I still push people away. I don't understand. Is it the sign for me to keep being alone and love my self more? Until the day comes and I find someone to love again. I don't know, I don't know.

Since I graduated, almost 3 years, my life has been gravitating only around my job that I don't even like. But who cares about passion anyway? As long as I'm not laying around in bed all day, being a useless kid and keep getting income everymonth, I'd keep doing this. I'm already feel like home in my current job. Also, this year I made a big decison because I take my company offer to takes challenge in a new position. Even though I have to work everyday with some amount of target hanging around my head every single day, I'm dying up until now but I believe I can do this.

Since I was a kid, my father and us (me, my mother and my sister) had been lived far away from each other. But in the middle of last year, my father had been going through some therapy to help him heal his Hernia Nucleus Pulposus (NHP) or in bahasa we called it Saraf Terjepit. My father decided to live together again in Medan. His desease keep getting worse. So, earlier this year, in January our families decided to get my father a surgery to help him (we don't have enough money at that time but Alhamdulillah, there is always a way if we tried). The surgery went well, my father is still have to do some therapy but he keeps getting better now. Alhamdulillah.

That day, the surgery went for 4 hours. From 10 pm to 2 am. My mother, my sister and my grandmother were there. We're waiting and praying, hope that my father would make it because the risk of the that surgery would probably cause a lot of unwanted things for my father condition. After the surgery, we don't know whether it went well of not, the doctor and the nurses brought my father straight to the ICU room and he will stayed there for 2 days at least. We only can saw him a while, freezing and his body was so cold like an ice. That was the most frustating time of my life. I was so scared, I cried and cried and cried every time I alone, at home and work until the doctor decided that my father could went back to his room. Fortunately, my father did it. He's so strong.

I also did the most stupid things with my life this year (what the... It's only the fourth month of the year but...) I can't tell what it was but I promise I won't do the same mistake anymore. I wish I could handle myself well, emotionally and physically.

I believe this year would be great. I will do my best. Bismillah.